Wasatch Plateau Marathon event disclaimer & FAQ's

The Plateau Marathon will not be brought to you by X-terra
in 3 stages with guys on the sidelines making sure
that you walk your bike and remove your wetsuit.
The Plateau Marathon will not show you pictures of yourself
for sale, at the finish line, for a limited time.
The Plateau Marathon will not be merchandized.

The Plateau Marathon will not be brought to you by Sports AM Radio
and Foot Locker and will not star Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong,
Oprah, Will Farrell, Puff Daddy or Al Gore.
The Plateau Marathon will not give your ass sex appeal.
The Plateau Marathon will not be held responsible
if you break your leg, get sunburned or develop
an irrational fear of limestone along the way.
There will be no posters around town with small time celebrities
and exotic Kenyans strolling through sponsor kiosks in dashikis
that the organizers asked them to please wear for the occasion.
The Plateau Marathon will not be publicized.

There will be no fleet of school busses at 5 am
shuttling you to the starting line so you can wait
in port-o-potty cues, wearing a garbage bag in the predawn.
There will be no pictures of you and the mayor
on the dead run, pushing strollers down a paved course,
lined on both sides with cheering locals.
Or Larry Miller trying to slide a bloody mattress and
the don’t-waste-Utah guy into the back of a gold Cadillac.
Your ankle will not carry a chip that tells you,
to the millisecond, how fast you got there.
The Plateau Marathon will not be quantified.

There will be no motorcade of pigs watching your back
and tooting their horns for your personal protection and security.
There will be no plastic wristbands to initiate self-serving
conversation among friends after the event is long over.
There will be no energy goo or Vaseline on tongue depressors
provided every other mile for bleeding nipples or blackened toenails.
There will be no commemorative pins or t-shirts.
The Plateau Marathon will not be motorized.

The Plateau Marathon will not be playing the Rocky theme song,
Hotel California, Mississippi Queen, the Final Countdown,
REO Speedwagon, C+C Music Factory or the Macarena
on enormous generator-powered speakers at the starting line
to get you pumped for the big day.
There will be no policy regarding race numbers,
race committees, racial profiling or race music.
There will be no pistols and no megaphones.
And there will be no friendly children attending
rented 8-foot tables piled with tropical fruit and sweet meats
around every bend in the road.

You will not have to worry about returning the anklet,
bringing a birthday present or tipping the hotel.
The Plateau Marathon will not go better with Pepsi,
Gatorade, Powerade, Red Bull or Coke with vitamins.

Scooter Libby, fantasy basketball, the Sopranos, Lost
and NASDAQ will no longer seem so damned relevant, and
you will not care whether Paris Hilton finally goes to jail or not
because you will be in the sky looking at badgers,
burned out furniture, herds of elk, dead animals,
keystone beer cans, glacial lakes and shot up TV’s.
The Plateau Marathon will not be televised.
The Plateau Marathon will not be romanticized.
The Plateau Marathon will be no re-run friends.
The thing will be live.